Working through the process of a final
life transition has a great deal of
meaning, intimacy, and intense feelings
for the individual going through it, as
well as for those close to them. The
whole process of digesting what this
means for each individual reveals the
elements of loss, fleeting moments of
memories, and the gift of insights that
might otherwise be lost or left
unavailable.
I am talking about the life
transition of death, which seems to be a
paradox in terms. In the case of a death
that has a long process, there may be
contained within it a different element
of meaning for those left behind than
for those individuals who experience a
quick, untimely death of their loved
one. Yet both contain the elements of a
life transition, a change. Ultimately,
the death of a loved one changes each of
us, some more profoundly than others.
In the case of a terminal illness,
the diagnosis often brings with it,
fears, denials, questions, honesty and
sharing among those involved. Some of
those questions can be fraught with
shame, anger, guilt, negative memories,
and regrets, as wells as times of
happiness, joyfulness, and thankfulness.
The transition can take months, weeks,
or days depending upon the type of
illness and the relationships of those
involved.
The gift of closeness has been most
precious in our family's transitions. In
my own situation, the untimely death of
my brother many years ago brought many
feelings of emotions that continue to be
felt to this day by many of our family
members. It ultimately changed how we
value our relationships within our
family and those things we no longer
take for granted.
Going through the life transition
with loved ones offers family members an
opportunity to share their love for one
another in ways they had not done in the
past. If they allow themselves to
verbalize their most intimate pain,
fears, regrets, and anxieties without
judgment of how each might think of the
other, great love can occur. If families
take the occasion to have an intimate
family gathering during this time, where
each sibling shares their painful and
joyful realities, it can be a time to
honor those elements of unfinished
business that are triggered in others.
In and of itself, this exchange contains
within it all the elements of a life
transition in the truest sense. It is a
moment of reckoning that offers the
chance for change or renewal. It is in
the sharing that brings the gift of a
new beginning. Whether or not we embrace
the gift is a choice.
As time progresses, it gives a
greater opportunity for each person to
see the dying individual in a new light.
If we are open to the gift, it gives
time to heal by experiencing love shared
in a different way. The words "greater
compassion" come to mind. Even when the
transition is difficult, great
compassion can be exercised, witnessed,
and shared. It's a choice each of makes
in our own way and in our own time, a
choice that contains a deeper spiritual
dimension.
This final life transition definitely
brings with it a deeper spiritual
awareness and evolution. Each family
member begins to feel the shift in their
love and compassion for one another.
Surprises arise, new understandings
surface, and a greater appreciation for
one another that has never been
experienced before is born. It is a time
of greater understanding and learning.
Each of our souls come to this earth
to learn, and I know of no other time
when learning is as profound as when
death enters each of our lives. We come
to know more deeply what it means to be
children of God; we come to examine our
own life purpose as we reflect on the
life of the one who is dying and on the
life each of us is journeying. We begin
to make resolves of how we continue our
own journey, in the way we offer our
understanding to one another without
judgment. We can make the choice to give
and receive without reservation; we can
love with greater abandon of
expectations. We can begin to see the
divine message of God and our own life
purpose as it is intended for us to
live. We begin the process of being
"thankful" for the life that has gone
before us; thankful for the gifts, good
and bad, they offered us in lessons for
our own life journey. Each of us is
given the legacy of life that touched us
in very personal ways. It is up to each
of us as to how we honor that legacy.
