For nine months, we are the “outside” voice, penetrating the womb. When the mother speaks, the unborn child hears and simultaneously feels her voice through the vibrations it creates within the womb. The father’s voice is perhaps the most familiar “outside” voice the child hears, yet it cannot be physically felt. And for nine months we watch the beauty of life develop within the safety of the womb; we watch in wonder and awe, and deep admiration, how the mother of our child bears the challenges of the long gestation period. Then, hopefully, we are there assisting at the miracle of birth, receiving our child in this “outside” world, a world where we will love and guide them into the fullness of their personhood. How we do that as the primary representative of the outside world is critical.

When fathering our sons into their manhood, what goes on between us and our sons is as critical as what doesn’t go on between the two of us. We need to ask ourselves two questions: Will we give them the skills to become men who are capable of giving life to others in a loving, nurturing way? Or, will we be a father who leaves the same legacy that so many of our fathers left us: a legacy of shame, isolation, and fear of intimacy between men, women, and children? We need to guard against shaming sons, otherwise they will be at war with the world looking to ruthlessly grab power, unlikely to achieve and hold onto it. We must be fathers who deliver the message that helps our sons feel loved and good about themselves, and not be the fathers who are ashamed of who we are, thus forfeiting our sons’ potential for our own sense of importance. And we need to model for our sons, through acts of love toward their mothers, how a man lives in a healthy relationship with a woman, how he works out the differences in a relationship–how he remains committed.

How we father our daughters is equally important. We are the catalyst by which our daughters measure the love and respect other men will show them. The father who refuses to share his vulnerability and emotionality, fearing he will be judged needy and, therefore, risk being rejected, will leave a legacy to his daughters that all men keep women at a distance lest they show their weakness. The father who does not allow for marital equality shows his children the barriers that many men put between themselves and their partners, the barriers of destructive power, distance, and in many cases, infidelity. The father’s commitment to his relationship with his partner teaches his children that a man takes his responsibilities seriously, that commitment doesn’t detract from him as a person, but actually enhances, empowers, and expands him as a partner and father.

The more involved a father is in his duties as a father, the better he will bond with both his partner and his children. The more involved a father is with his family, the more secure they will feel, the better the children will do in school, the better they will grow into their full potential. A father who shows his children how the “outside world” accepts them in a caring and nurturing way will be one of the determining factors in how his children will embrace the world and express their lives in loving, nurturing, and successful ways.