Better communication skills is the number one goal that couples have when they come to me for coaching. Communication between men and women can be difficult at best given how male and female brains function differently during a discussion. According to the latest brain research, it is believed that information is transmitted differently between the two hemispheres of the brains in men and women during the communication process. Suffice it to say that most of us would agree, research aside, that men and women discuss things on a whole different level. When difficult matters need to be discussed, communication between men and women can be compounded by the emotional and complex nature of the subject matter.

Below, I offer eight ways in which a couple may communicate difficult matters in a less stressful manner that leads to a more productive outcome.

 

1. Make A Date to Discuss An Important Matter. There's nothing worse than springing a matter of importance on our partners at the dinner table. When a serious matter (or even a less serious matter, but one of importance) needs discussion, it is wise to consult one another as to when it might be mutually beneficial to engage in a dialogue about a certain matter. Pick a time and a place where the atmosphere is inviting and where neither of you will be interrupted. You might want to make sure cell phones and/or land line phones are shut off (unless they are an absolute necessity in a dire emergency). Make sure your calendar is cleared and make sure to hold sacred the time you set aside for this discussion.
2. Make No Assumptions (and Take No Captives). When difficult matters need to be discussed, one or both partners may perceive the words "I need to talk to you about a serious matter" as negative. That doesn't need to be the case. Discussing a serious matter can be a time of deepening the relationship, a time of enrichment and the strengthening of a strong cohesion between partners. It is an opportunity to look at the reality within the relationship that might not otherwise be considered. It is important to leave our assumptions at the door before entering a difficult dialogue. Come to the discussion with an open mind, be yourself, allow for differences, and be ready to offer solutions to the problem.
3. Talk About ONE Topic At A Time. I can hear the resistance already. "But I have so much to talk about and if we don't do it now, we'll never get things resolved!" That's why many people are not successful when talking about serious matters, too much is brought into the discussion at one time. Keep the discussion contained within the context of the immediate situation, resist bringing into your discussion something that happened ten years ago (I know I may be exaggerating my point, but you know what I mean--let the past be the past). Be clear about what you want to discuss, making sure to highlight the important parts that need attention. Notes (while a little less intimate) on what you wish to discuss can be helpful for the more serious issues, allowing you to keep on track in the event emotions get in the way of a more productive discussion.
4. Prepare Some Ground Rules. Setting some ground rules can literally save you from having a catastrophe. As already suggested, time and place is important, but how you will conduct yourselves during these discussions is critical to outcome. Being respectful of each other's thoughts, feelings, wants, and needs is important. We can be challenged by these particular facets of a partner's dialogue. Be aware of your own internal barometer rising when emotions enter the fray, planning for a momentary exit (time out) should the need arise. Let your partner know that things are feeling a bit heated and that you need a time out, stating when you will return to the table to further the discussion (don't put it off indefinitely). Use "I" statements, rather than "You" statements to avoid blaming, shaming, and accusatory remarks. Be calm and thoughtful in your discussion.
5. Listen With An Open Mind. There is an art to listening. It is not about hearing the words, it is about hearing the context of the words. It is important not to put our own spin on the speaker's words, but actively listen to the facts of what they are saying and understanding the feelings behind their words. If "I" statements are used, there is less chance of the other's defense mechanism going up. Active listening does not mean forming a line of defense in our head as the speaker is talking, rather it is about giving our total attention to what the speaker is saying. When the speaker has finished, it is advisable for the listener to reflect back what he or she heard, detailing the facts, feelings, and needs or wants expressed by the speaker. This is done to avoid ambiguity and miscommunication; it also lets the speaker know they have been heard.
6. Speak With Purpose. There is nothing more distracting or ineffective in communicating serious matters as when the speaker goes on and on and on. In fact, the saying "less is more" applies here. The listener needs time to hear and process the information. Keep to the facts of what you believe to be the issue, distinguish between what you believe (your thinking) vs. what you feel (emotions of the heart), and clearly state your wants and/or needs. Remember, wants are those things that would be nice to have but you can live without, and your needs are those things that are vital to living a fulfilling and meaningful life. Speak with purpose and with clarity, while delivering your thoughts in small chunks, checking in with the listener to make sure they've understood what you have stated.
7. Avoid Dangerous Terminology. Be sure not to blame, accuse, demand, command, play 100 questions, or make your issue into a WE issue when discussing serious matters. Own your own issues. State what you believe the facts are, speak to how you feel, and clearly state what you want or need. If you begin your discussion by blaming or accusing the other individual, their defense shield will come up before you finish your sentence. This part takes great skill and patience; it can be done. Consider these two statements: "You stole $20.00 out of my wallet, I know it, and don't deny it!" as to, "I believe you may have taken $20.00 out of my wallet. I need to know if you did. And if you did, I want to know when you'll pay me back because I was counting on that money for gas. I'm also feeling confused as to why you didn't ask me first, if you did, in fact, take the money." The first statement is curt, accusatory and it doesn't allow for further discussion. In the second scenario, the speaker doesn't blame, but states their belief, needs/wants, and feelings, while allowing for further dialogue.
8. Be Patient With One Another. Allow for your own ability to be vulnerable, honest, open, and creative. Take a deep breath, if you need to. Don't lose your cool, keep the discussion respectful and work toward a resolve. Too often there is a tendency to get one's feelings out without speaking about the facts of the matter. Effective dialogue between two people must take both feelings and facts into the equation of resolving the issue. Brainstorm solutions without judging the effectiveness of the suggestion; return to the list of ideas and decide which ones might be doable; decide on the most effective manner of dealing with the situation; make a plan; check in with each other a few days-to-a-week down the road to see if the plan is working for both parties; tweak the plan if necessary; continue to work effectively on other matters as they come up.

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